Loading ...And here’s a Halloween post, just for the ladies (LADIEEEEEZZZZ!). Ladies, you know how you’re always trying to get in relationships with vampires? You’re all like, “I’m a girl, and I’m all about sexy vampire brooding hair and flashy clothes and being young forever and whatnot.”
You kind of have to imagine that last part in a real girly voice.
Matt and I were talking about this (after we talked about football and how much we love beers and driving seriously fast) and we came to the conclusion that vampires are pretty much the most bullshit possible monster boyfriend. I mean, if you’re open to a murdering, possibly not human, possibly not alive boyfriend, you should really look a little deeper at what the rest of the supernatural world has to offer.
And thus, the Monster Boyfriends list was born.
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1. A Ghost (Matt)
I know what you’re thinking, “ghosts don’t have a physical presence in this world, how could they ever be better than a sexy, mousse haired vampire heart-throb?”
But consider this: if your boyfriend were to become a ghost for some unknown reason, they’d be forced to haunt you for all eternity. The very reason they exist is because of you. Sure, they’ll be a spectral, semi-transparent apparition of their former self, but you can’t beat the sort of commitment being haunted brings.
On the down side, they may cause interference on the tv, so plan on upgrading to cable. But on the up side, above all, they’re emotionally available.
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2. Creature From The Black Lagoon (Andrew)
More like “Creature from the BACK Lagoon!” *Hi-five!*
Here’s the thing about the Creature From The Black Lagoon, or “Gill-Man” as he’s actually known: I have not seen this movie and it took a really hasty wikipedia search to even get me to Gill-Man. But this isn’t really so much about the movie monster, as it is about dating a fish-man from South American. Once you get past the looks (don’t be shallow), the breath (you wanted to date a guy that drinks blood), and the questionable job (fisherman, I guess), you’ve got a mysterious Latin lover from a tropical paradise. And your kids will do really well on the swim team.
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3. A Werewolf (Matt)
Werewolf Bar-mitzvah!
The werefolk harkens back to an era where men were men (or where were-men were men, perhaps). They’re hairy because that’s how God (or a mysterious gypsy curse) made them. Werewolves are macho, no nonsense, feral dudes. They have hypnotic eyes. Their fangs are super sweet. They’re invincible man-beasts. No wonder the most famous depictions of werewolves come from three of the most bad-ass dudes ever: Jack Nicholson, Bela Legosi, and Bencio Del Torro.
If vampires are about resisting temptation, werewolves are about indulgence. Animalistic, and unhinged, a werewolf if a werewolf wants you, you’re his.
Then again, he may also rip your throat out.
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4. Frankenstein (Andrew)
Actually, except for the good looking part, Frankenstein (or The Monster Of Dr. Frankenstein, if you’re a pedantic dick) has a lot of the same qualities you probably find attractive about vampires. For one, he’s definitely dead. For two, he’s probably some stripe of European.
Actually, that’s about it. But on the plus side, there’s a much smaller chance he’ll kill you on purpose, and he’s much more likely to be with you for you, rather than the fact that you’re filled with blood. As an added attraction, he’s already married, since you clearly get off on violating social taboos.
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5. The Blob (Matt)
It would easy to use the cutesie blobs dominating movies like “Monsters Vs. Aliens” or “Fosters Home For Imaginary Friends” as my reference point for the blob.
I’d be like, “oh, blobs are actually cute and really funny!” I am not that dude, as I take my classic monsters much more seriously. I think this blob:
Disgusting New Sewer Life Form – Watch more Funny Videos
Should be your boyfriend.
Now, I know that the blob doesn’t really have a personality, and that it has an insatiable will to consume everything in its path, human or otherwise. And that that may mean he’s a little distant at times, but that’s the price of ambition sometimes, isnt it? Think this town’s going to demolish itself? Well, do you? No.
The blob loves you, baby. Other monsters are content to eat a person here or there, or to ravage the town on a full moon, but the blob is a monster with a plan. The last thing you need is another monster slacker for a boyfriend.
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6. A Zombie (Andrew)
Matt was really insistent that this one be about dating multiple zombies, but you know what, no. This is about love between one living girl (or guy, whatever) and one dead guy, just as God almost certainly never intended*.
But, ok, yeah, let’s talk about your zombie boyfriend. He’s very motivated at what he does. He’s very strong, and has a great work ethic. He literally will not stop until he gets what he wants, and I’m told that can be attractive coming from the right guy.
*Let’s not get into which god, if any.
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7. The Mummy (Matt)
Some may think that mummys are just over-encumbered crumbly zombies. That’s probably true. But that also makes them soft, soft lovers. It’s like they’re wrapped in two-ply and eager to cuddle.
They’re sub-verbal, so they’re great listeners. They’re world travelers, likely Egyptian Royalty, and hopefully knew Abbott and Costello.
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So that’s our Monster Boyfriend list. If you’re still here, that means you haven’t gone off in search of one of these very eligible dead dudes, and are possibly still hung up on vampires. Weird that our thoroughly argued list wasn’t more convincing. Anyway, maybe that means you should check out Jake Fleisher’s video about being in a long term relationship with a vampire.
